At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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