people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
