Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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