I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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