11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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