Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
