I want to stick my p in your. b.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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