The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
