I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
