Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
