Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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