I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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