My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
