guys are not supposed to queef...right?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
