You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
