one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I am one with the molecules
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
