my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
