Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize