The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
