Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize