you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
