Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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