btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
