I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
