he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
