I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
