i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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