Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
