I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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