i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
