After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
