i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
