You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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