Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
