i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
