I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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