She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
