Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
