Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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