I accidentally had phone sex last night
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
