I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
