dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
