So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
