yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
