nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
