you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
