you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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