i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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