dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
