i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
