My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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