you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I am naked and annoyed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
