please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
