I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
