he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
