I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
