So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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