it hurts more in the daytime
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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