SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
