I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
